It's 31st December - the last day of Yr2011! Time really flies this year, like really.

Remembering how I was last year, whomever I was back then I know that there's at least slight changes within me. Both good & bad of course(:

My new year resolution in 2010 were:

1. To be closer to my own family.

2. Able to do something for my zone/cg

3. Be water bap by my birthday this year.

4. Be a better friend to people around me

5. Be stronger as a person (emotionally & spiritually)

6. Rise up & do more for my ministry (First Hand) back then.

7. To grow closer to God - reading His word & getting soaked in His presence 

8. Financial management, at least to be able to raise the full amt for SOT 2012!

Reflecting back, there are goals that I achieved, and the unachieved ones. At the same time, God has also placed alot more (new) things into my life! The major happenings/changes in my life from the beginning till now..

1. Getting into N255 

2. Started taking vocal lessons & got into Choir - April

3. Left First Hand ministry

4. Got water baptized by June!

5. Over-the-seas- trip to visit my relatives in Msia -  Sep

6. Got into Dialect BV ministry! - Nov

7. YRB that enables me to have full amt for SOT! - Dec

For cell, I could feel myself closing up to everyone in the cg. Had no idea why that happened despite repeated reminders that AM is a very awesome cgl & had few closer friends in e cg too. Many things happened and somehow I ended up in Pst MJ's cg - N255! It felt totally different, and I found myself happier in this cg. Even tho still trying to adapt myself into this cg, I've really learnt alot.(:

For ministry, really unexpected. I always have thought that Community Services is something I will focus on this year, since I've always loved interacting w my patients on every visitation. Even made a goal to rise up and was happy that I was able to be my leader's helper. Helping him w the people, the patients & planning. Somehow some sort of inner struggles sprang up and hit me badly & left.

Slightly before that happened, I decided to go for e 1st Choir Audition, with much encouragements by my closer cliques (all choir mbrs!). As I was waiting for my turn that day, I made a prayer to get into Choir if that's where my destiny is. and here I am, serving Choir at least once every month! 

Now, I am also in Dialect BV! Recently, God also reminded me of something very awesome. A year after I got saved, I wanted to get into Dialect Church coz of my love for Cantonese! But at that time, I felt weird for some reasons and didnt bother with that after. Yet coz of Choir, I got to know this brother Jasper who later helped me to meet the leader of Dialect BV in-charge. I got in officially as a BV in Nov, and am still trying to get used to the people, and hopefully start serving next year!:D

My Water Baptism is also a testimony and my faith booster!  Like many, it happened at e most unexpected and almost-impossible situation(: Few days after it was announced, I was told that it was canceled due to low sign-up rate. Remembered feeling disappointed & frustrated, yet believing that it's not going be like that. That was the time I really felt closest to God, it was when I started to put ALL my attention/time on His Word and seeking His presence. Thn, just 4-5days before Sunday Bap svc, I got the news that it's still on. By faith, I took the consent forms even before asking my parents. Tough battles started, mum 'chu' many stunts, hoping that I'll give up the thought of that. But yet, God kept testing my faith for Him, helping me to build my faith by giving me visions of my mum signing the form right in front of me. And guess what, SHE DID! It was exactly what the vision showed me. That happened just 2 weeks before my 21st birthday, the last chance to get baptized w my parents' official consent! Because of that, faith increased, breakthroughs @ work, relationships, finances started coming in!:D

One of e best moments this year is also my family trip to Malaysia! That's the FIRST time after almost 10YEARS that the whole family traveled to Malaysia together! Went to different parts of Msia, and this is when I really feel that the family is at its closest after the longest time! This trip, not only did we manage to meet up w all my relatives in Malaysia, we also celebrated Popo's Birthday as a complete family for the very first time! Also met up w one of my HOs in Ipoh and we traveled a few places and had good food too!:D

Truly, this year has been a yr of goodness and blessings! Nothing more can I say but to really seek Him more.

By that, I have some resolutions for 2012 (not in details) !

1. Get myself enroll to SOT2012!!! 

2. Fast more, Pray even more.

3. Start serving more in Choir, Dialect BV, CG & Zone, or anywhere i can do my part for!

4. Start serving in CHCSA once again soon!

5. Gonna work harder to be a better friend / cell mbr!<3

6. Breakthrough in finances and relationships (Includes getting attached)!

7. LOST WEIGHTTTT - Hit the gym again, diet control etc~

8. Be more colorful in terms of dressing!

Whatever that have happened in 2011 or earlier, I will put them away and move on! Thank you for everything, my dearest Abba Father (: Believing that new visions and dreams will come, those dead ones will be restored.(:

iDestinee.

Finally blogging again.. at an ungodly time when i am supposed to sleep since I'll be working morning shift tml.. but well, such feeling/emotion doesn't as often these days.. =x

Have been really packed these mths.

With crazy working schedules, ministry commitments, and other random stuffs..

Sometimes i feel too bad that I don't have time for my parents at times, and time for myself when i can really have a proper 10-hour sleep. Yet, i really love my life right nw, though i know that I can do better in all these areas of my life..

So many things have happened within 6mths.. transferred frm cell to another.. doing more things for different aspects, working in different environments at times.. I used to think if i was able to handle all these.. but i did those things anyways, that sometimes i feel as though i was just going through the motions, doing what i am supposed to do. Finally, i feel that i am handling better - emotionally. But then again, there are so much more to get fixed up in my life… 

Things at work always don't seem that smooth sailing for me.. Esp just a few weeks back, it came to a point when i started to drag my feet to work, fear of seeing colleagues who don't seem to like me, to patients/relatives who always have loads of requests/enquiries/things that are super random.. There was even a point of time when I hated to go to work, felt angry at patients who needed a simple favor from me. At that point of time, i questioned myself.. "Why am i like this - so unloving?" I felt so drained out from all these things and felt like i couldn't love anymore.. I couldn't find a reason why I was still there, serving people and that felt so superficial. I felt like.. breaking down. "Karmen cant love anymore" was the first thought in my mind.. Started to be cold to the people around me i guess. 

Really broke down again.. that feeling was so scary..

Sometimes.. I cant even feel God's presence.. I know He is with me, I knw it.. But I just cant feel love anymore..so scary..

That was the "working aspect"..

After being in Gloria's cell for 3yrs2mths..I was finally out of it and went to a totally new environment.. Did struggle abit and decided to just follow what has been decided, turned out quite well… thought everything was fine, work seemed better, but that didnt remain long.. less than a mth.. proof… all those good feelings were gone.Went down down down again..and tt affected me too..Became someone closed up again, felt even worse..felt lost, like i cant find anyone with me.. until a time when i finally decided to go for make-up cell w Pst MJ. Pst and I had a chat about this.. and few weeks later..boom, i changed cell again.. But this time, it became better..opened up more.. and i realised something, i am happier and found that feeling of being belonged in something again..

And that actually brought me back to a thought that I have to restart everything again.. my passion for nursing and people, everything started to come back..

Got refreshed again..found things that I seemed to lose for the longest time…and i really cherish it.. 

Now, i really love my life though i have busy schedules like vocal classes, ministries, learning guitar once again frm one of my cell member, blah blah blah..

iDestinee.<3

一個晚上

男孩只抽煙不說話
女孩的心也越來越涼『連挽留都不會表達的情人能給我什麼樣的快樂？』
過了許久
男孩終忍不住說：「怎麼做你才能留下來？」
女孩慢慢地說：「回答一個問題，如果你能答到我心裏就答案，我就留下來。」
「比如我非常喜歡懸崖上的一朵花，而你去摘的結果是百分之百的死亡，你會不會摘給我？」
男孩想了想說：「明天早晨告訴你答案好嗎？」
女孩的心頓時灰了下來
早晨醒來，男孩已經不在
只有一張寫滿字的紙壓在溫熱的牛奶杯下
第一行，就讓女孩的心涼透了「親愛的，我不會去摘
但請容許我陳述不去摘的理由
你只會用電腦打字
卻總把程式弄得一塌糊塗
然後對著鍵盤哭
我要留著手指給你整理程式
你出門總是忘記帶鑰匙
我要留著雙腳跑回來給你開門
酷愛旅遊的你
在自己的城市裏都常常迷路
我要留著眼睛給你帶路
每月（好朋友）光臨時
你總是全身冰涼，還肚子疼
我要留著掌心溫暖你的小腹
你不愛出門
我擔心你會患上自閉症
我要留著嘴巴軀趕你的寂寞
你總是盯者電腦
眼睛給糟蹋得已不是太好了
我要好好活著
等你老了
給你修剪指甲
幫你拔掉讓你懊惱的白髮
拉著你的手
在海邊享受美好的陽光和柔軟的沙灘
告訴你一朵朵花的顏色
像你青春的臉…
所以
在我不能確定有人比我更愛你以前
我不想去摘那朵花…」
（女孩淚滴在紙上
形成晶瑩的花朵）
抹淨眼淚，女孩繼續往下看：
「親愛的
如果你已經看完了
答案還讓你滿意的話
請你開門吧
我正站在門外
手裏提著你最喜歡吃的鮮奶麵包…」
女孩拉開門
看見他的臉
緊張得像個孩子
只會把擰著麵包的手在她眼前晃

………………

我想這就是愛情或者生活
被幸福平靜的包圍時
一些平凡的愛意
總被渴望激情和浪漫的心忽略
愛！在雙方引起的許多個微不足道的動作裏，
從來就沒有固定的模式
只有愛
可以是任何一中平淡無奇的形式
花朵、浪漫
不過是浮在生活表面的淺淺點綴
在它們的下面才是我們真真的生活。

==================================
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Man cant be alone, but the devil love it.

he will attack the person so badly, leaving them wounded and lonely, thinking that everything has come to an end.

Sometimes, it seems no light can be seen at the point of circumstance.

The heart will start to close up, a very common self-defense reaction..

Been feeling that so for quite awhile..There are times to feel so enthu about the changes in life, the healthy process of growing up, to go through, overcome and learn from mistakes/lessons.Which many times, ended within mths, weeks or even days..those emotions will just die out.

Not sure what are the exact events that triggered those emotions/confusion/thoughts within self, but the feeling/urge to draw away from people constantly haunts me.so many times. to different people, esp those who are like total strangers to me.who are they to step into my life and interfere?Yet, at some point, the urge to be part of the new group of friends keeps dwelling within, having no idea how to step into it.How contradicting is that huh?

Roller coaster emotion..high for now, and down within the next few seconds.

And of coz! Such emotions cant be bottled for too long.. and mine just has a small eruption ytd.An eruption that was good, burdens and weights  were gone..

Thanks wifey Glor for talking me out, digging out the things within me. With just simple words and questions that made me think so much, and refreshed my mind once again.

And I went back to my leaders and talked to them. 

Met up Andy for lunch.. had my first Ayam Penyent, and it was so awesome!

Had new tasks and duties in my ministry, totally looking forward to it!

Talked to Aiming after svc about how i really felt about myself, and people around me.2 totally different leaders, yet telling me about the same thing.

Self confidence/esteem = something that is so familiar, but yet its not really in me.

Something that I really need to start working on, not just something that is just mentioned, but something to really be done and corrected this yr. 

Love myself, before i can love others.

Know who i am in Christ, my purposes, my callings.

I shouldn't doubt anymore.

Not myself, not my calling, not my purpose. I don't wana doubt the promises/plans that God has given to me!

From now, I wana count the stars that God has placed in my life and find my own stars! Shall remind myself that i am not just someone in a limited fleshy body, but someone who looks into the unlimited sky, looking at the promises of God and seeing all the miracles He has done. And believe in the Supernatural power of God!

With God, all things are possible!:D

iDestinee.

On Monday, a few of us (blythe, yiwei and ME!) planned to find Esther at her workplace for lunch.. after that i was supposed to go for visitation and Yiwei supposed to meet someone in town, and blythe was supposed to go home to rest and prepare for her night shift.But half way down the greenline, both yiwei and I had our events cancelled and decided to head towards outram park.bought KOI and went to blythe's place!:D just love her place ttm!small but cozy and nice((: Love the blanket the most!=x the three of us nua-ed till we didnt really feel like moving around alr.and somehow, we ended up watching youtube video~Super funny videos~muahahahha~

Finally it was getting so late that we had to leave, cause we were supposed to meet esther and yilong for Kbox at Clementi!!LOLs!we left Blythe's house and accompanied yiwei for a fast dinner before heading down,Yiwei is such a funny and awesome friend to hang out with. initially i thought that it'll be weird with him alone, but it wasn't that case.Was laughing almost the entire journey to Clementi, anyways, when we saw the time wasn't that early, both of us decided to ask them to go ahead singing first, the other 2 started singing already..efficient sia=p 

And so we went over to find the rest, and as usual, there were 25songs in the list and both yiwei and i decided to still some of their songs while selecting other songs that we wana sing(: And also selected some duets to sing with both Yiwei and Yilong.But apparently, most of us didnt have a good throat to sing that day and made loads of joke out of it.but it was awesome, just awesome.the videos of the songs that Yiwei were jus awesome because they were so classic! funny ttm!=x

That went on till about 2.30-3.00am in the morning(: Awesome, everything then was just awesome ttm((:

Tuesday~

Movie-ing with Blythe and Yiwei and supper-ing with them at my house at night, tgt with yilong!!

Hahahahas!met yiwei at JE platform and heading down to JP together.As I've been taking milo for my first "meal" and Blythe has yet to take her meal, Yiwei suggested JiaXiangMian and went ahead.For some reasons, i couldnt really finish my food.Not even half!)))): but anyways, we went for the movie "The Other Man".Super stupid show, but quite fun^^ Not bad a show(:

Then almost right after that, Yiwei and I headed(rushed) down to Bugis.For me was to meet my ministry members(carryn,Joan,ziyun) for steamboat+fellowship, and him was to meet his friend(: yes, i rushed down for jus a simple reason, but it was my first time fellowshipping with them!and it was really an awesome fellowship.Talked about stuff, didnt eat much(like i've said, my tummy was protesting, crying for me to stop). Went on for desserts when we walked past AhChew desserts. Reminds me of the hang out with the choir people after Deck5's jamming session few weeks back(: And went off to meet yiwei at the mrt stn:D 

And guess what, on the way to the mrt stn from the steamboat shop, i saw a few of my friends, Enjie(zone member) and Darren(secondary schoolmate). awesome yea?=x MAde some new friends and realised that Ziyun and yiwei are zone members!this is soooo fun~ muahahas,catch up abit and yiwei&i decided to buy KOI at Clementi~but maybe we were not fated with KOI ytd, cause we were rejected by them!and when we headed toward Sweettalk, THE SAME THING HAPPENED!!Robert sia): But well, maybe we aint fated with bubbleteas ytd)):

Anyways, blythe was still having her meeting, esther and yilong were waiting for her at jw church. so both of us decided to hang around and drink something before heading to my house.And even end up walking to another busstop together and walking back to the busstop to take bus to my house (when they were done).But the trip wasn't wasted because got to spend time talking about spiritual stuff with yiwei.Its really nice to have someone to talk about serious stuff and esp, spiritual stuff.It was really awesome, like got to share different different things though it was a short period(: 

And finally, at home and did crazy things at home since none of us wanted to eat.no room for food already.started to play with my hamsters and watching funny videos that were ancient.=p and….esther and i did something that we have not done for years.ever seen the funny korean sisters making funny faces while singing? yes, that was what we used to do last time, and we were asked to do it again ytd, in front of them!SO PAISEH!!! but nvm la.it was duper fun lo.but i think esther is more funny=x

To be honest,I am kinda afraid that everything will come to an end.like stop abruptly.that things will not be the same again.but somehow i feel that this is different,sincere & genuine people.always there to encourage and not discourage.it really feels like a family who cares, loves and always there.Always(:

And these 2 day were really awesome,yiwei was just funny and yet serious.Just awesome with him around^^not forgetting the rest.it jus awesome to have known these people.we don take photos as much now, but every memory counts, and all are in my heart(: Even as we are gonna be busy with work and school from next week onwards,i believe nothing is gonna change besides the frequency of meetings.(:

Love all these people ttm! 

blythe, yiwei, chuaweiming, yilong jiexiang janet vivi justin zac~

and my dearest ESTHER~<3<3

iDestinee.

Well, everything seem to remain the same.. Working, going to church, hanging out late with my awesome friends.. Its always been the same.. There are still times of heaviness and all at times, but i guess, i am able to handle it better.. I think..

Its been so long that i am not too sure how and what i should blog already.. =x

But anyways, will find time to blog again.

And… Congratulation to Brian Wong and Jacelyn Tay for their wedding! May their marriage be a blissful and awesome one!:D

<3 Karmen.